The loss of his wife, came back especially strong in certain rooms. When he went into the laundry room, he saw piles of dirty clothes. Sometimes there were damp clothes in the washer waiting to be moved to the dryer. But that couldn’t happen until he emptied the dryer. But some of those clean clothes could not just be folded and put away. They had to be ironed. The unattended clothes reminded him that laundry was all on him from now on. She wasn’t coming back ever.

When he walked into the kitchen, there were stacks of dirty plates, piles of bowls and silverware in the sink overflowing to the counter top. There was a dishwasher, but he couldn’t remember how to run it. Again, the kitchen was her domain and she kept it clean and organized. Wherever he saw dirty dishes, they told him she wasn’t around and never would be again. 

Ray decided the worst time for him was eating alone. One night while eating a partnerless meal, he came up with the idea of going to the nearby diner. “The newspaper will be my date,” he said to himself. It gave him someplace to look while eating instead of staring around the room. The last thing he wanted was to see people staring at him. With the current news spread out before his dinner, he believed it looked like he was catching up with current events. He’d always thought a person eating alone was a sad sight. If he looked up and saw someone looking at him, he quickly switched his gaze back to his “date.”

However, he’d finally decided his finances wouldn’t allow his eating out every night. Even though he was making good money as a Budget Analyst for the Midwest Energy Company, he still needed to watch his money, because one never knew when another emergency might come up. So, on the days he was eating in, he played religious music and lit a candle. For some reason, the candle reminded him of April and the light she had brought into his otherwise gloomy life. This became a regular ritual which he decided helped him feel he was not really alone. 

One of the chores he knew he needed eventually to do was look at all the sympathy cards. There were several handfuls of them. He put them on their bed, then, he closed the door. He was afraid that looking at the cards would make him cry, and he didn’t want to go through that again. He no longer used their bedroom, relegating himself to a single bed in their guest room.

Another chore which he couldn’t bring himself to do was sort through her clothes. He knew it would be too much and he didn’t want to get rid of something he might later wish he’d saved. Since he couldn’t decide anything now, he just left everything as it was. He found it gave him a bit of comfort having signs of her life around. One of her possessions he couldn’t touch was her purse. He had always thought that a woman’s purse was her private space. At one time, he even thought that looking in a woman’s purse was bad luck. 

He decided that he would eventually give her daughters and grand daughter the opportunity to take whatever they wanted and the rest he would donate to a second hand clothing store in town. For the time being, however, he would not make any decisions. He would put all those matters on hold while he struggled with everyday responsibilities.

Ray’s job gave him three weeks compassionate leave. At first, he appreciated it, but finally decided he’d rather be back at work than sitting home with all the memories. So after a week and one day, he went back to work. At first it felt good to have other things to focus on, but then he noticed something he hadn’t expected. He found it nearly impossible for him to concentrate. He’d just stare at budget and cost reports, not able to understand what he was looking at. It felt like a giant vise was squeezing his brain almost shut and an oversized stone was pushing down on his heart. When he looked out his office window, he often saw young people walking by, some were couples, arms intertwined laughing as they walked along. Then, there were single men and women walking along. And he knew he must look as lonely as they did. 

One afternoon, while staring out his window, an idea came to mind.