Finally, the doctor came in, clean shaven, neatly dressed, speaking slowly and clearly. He asked Ray if April had been having any physical difficulties lately. Ray confessed that she had been complaining of headaches recently, but didn’t want to consult with any doctors. He kept the real reasons for her reluctance to seek medical help to himself.  No one had ever explained nor dealt with.her Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder, the lung infection, an emergency MRI for a virus affecting her third optic nerve.  Enough was enough. All the doctor visits had worn her down.

The doctor then dropped the crushing fact on Ray. “April’s heart stopped and we couldn’t get it going.” The doctor paused while Ray sat. It felt like his insides were on fire. The doctor explained “There was an aneurysm at the base of her brain that suddenly burst. She died very quickly.” He then asked Ray if he had any questions. but Ray had no idea what to say.

For less than a second, he had the feeling that she ran by laughing. Was it a momentary glimpse into the spirit world? He wanted to believe it was.

After the doctor left, Ray called his mother in Michigan and, while sobbing loudly, told her what had happened. All he could say over and over was: “Ma, April is dead. April has died!” His mother seemed unable to take in the news. Soon, he realized he was shouting and quieted down.

After hanging up, he continued crying. Not an emotional release, more like vomiting. He tried to remember the last time he cried, but it was too much to remember. A great weight had come down on him.

Shortly after that, April’s dad, daughter and grand daughter showed up breathing heavily as they came in the room. Ray told them the news. Only a few words were said. What could anyone say? Someone said they were thankful the aneurysm hadn’t burst while she was driving and crashing into another driver.

After several quiet minutes, they all were led into the room where April was lying stone still on a hospital bed covered with a sheet up to her neck. Ray couldn’t bring himself to touch her. He could not even look at her. April’s dad could only say “amazing.” The word seemed strange to Ray. He’d always thought “amazing” referred to something wonderful and good. April’s sudden death was neither wonderful nor good.

After they parted, Ray drove home. He happened to think of her car, but didn’t want to deal with it. Hadn’t someone promised to drive it to their house? He wasn’t sure. The sky had turned dark and it rained hard all the way home. The windshield wipers could not keep up with the downpour two times causing him to pull off to the side of the road and wait for it to slow. Seeing the house surprised him because at the moment, he couldn’t remember driving from the hospital.

He had an appointment to meet some friends for coffee later that day. Should he keep or cancel it? He called one of the guys and canceled. After he hung up, he sighed and thought it was probably the right thing to do. He was learning how difficult it would be to make decisions while navigating this incomprehensible loss.

At home, he sat in the living room with the Queen Anne furniture, stereo components and cable TV, trying to remember what it was like to see her walk into a room. He could not remember her, which made him wonder what was wrong with him. Why couldn’t he remember what it was like living with her? After awhile, he got up and went to the kitchen. He microwaved some canned soup in a bowl and put it on a plate with crackers on it. As he swallowed his food, Ray found himself lost in a place that was neither real nor imagined. He felt like a man walking alone in a thick, dark forest. The big question was “how can someone walk out of your house in the morning and never come back?” It was the first of a hundred times he would ask this question with never an answer. There was no way to explain or understand her sudden death.

Ray went through the required activities over the next few days. He saw the funeral director, talked with the minister about the service, phoned the medical examiner to find out more of what happened to April. He said she probably was dead within 30 seconds of the aneurysm bursting. Ray thought that was probably a blessing. She had always said she would not like to linger with an illness. If she ever got cancer she would refuse treatment. When the time came, she would want to go quickly. And she just did.

What should he do now? His wife was gone. Even though there was furniture around, he was still alone like he’d always feared.