Looking for Life After Loss-Chapter Seven

The next day was Friday, the day of the luau. Ray, by then had some idea of what to expect, but hoped it would be more than dinner and a show. He and Wes had talked about women and Ray was thinking that something more might develop with Sue.

Ray ate breakfast alone at the burger restaurant. The eggs, bacon and pancakes that morning gave him a bit of heartburn…too much grease. He chewed a couple of antacid pills and felt a bit better. The uneasiness in his stomach he thought was nothing more than nervousness about that night.

In early afternoon, Wes came over and suggested they go parasailing. Ray said “ok.” They drove along a road next to the ocean. The sky was without clouds, warm but not uncomfortable with ten mph wind gusts. They passed several places offering parasailing before pulling into the one to which Wes was familiar. After parking, they each took out their swim suits and beach towels. They paid the fee and went into the locker room to change.

After, he and Ray were each fitted with a life jacket and helped into the speed boat.  Once in the boat, a young woman harnessed them into their sailing seats and the boat sped off. When the boat reached 20 mph, they were released and lifted up to a height of eight hundred feet as the boat increased its speed. Although the engine and water were noisy, both Wes and Ray could still hear each other laughing and making comments: “Wow, what a view. Look at all the girls!.” “Wes, I’ve never felt anything like this!” When they were dipped back into the ocean, they couldn’t stop laughing and making more comments about what it felt like.

The ride lasted only 45 minutes, but to Ray it seemed much longer. He enjoyed it, but fear gripped him each time the boat slowed to dip them in the water. Finally, Ray and Wes came slowly down the tow line into the boat.

After the assistant had docked the boat, both men got out. They headed to the locker room, washed in individual showers, dried off and put their clothes back on.  Ray couldn’t stop talking about the ride. “Wow, man, I’ve never felt anything like that! I got butterflies in my stomach several times. I loved going up in the air, but the dips back into the ocean were kinda scary.” He paused. “But I loved it. I loved the whole experience. I’ll never forget it.” 

Wes nodded, “Yea, it’s pretty special. I also love it and it’s not really that expensive.”

They headed out to Wes’ T-bird and got in. 

“Ray, I’ll drop you back at your place so you can rest a bit before tonight’s luau.” He paused and looked right at Ray who turned and looked at Wes. “If you think this was fun, wait until tonight. Were going to have a ball! Sunny tells me that Sue is really looking forward to tonight. She hasn’t been to very many luaus.”

Ray chimed in “I’ve never been to any.”

In the room, Ray tried to catch a nap, but couldn’t stop thinking what might happen that night. A couple of time, he closed his eyes, but the power of anticipation and excitement popped them back open. He then got up and watched some soap operas on the television. He kept checking the clock, feeling like he should push the hands instead of waiting.

Finally, he got up and changed into white pants and a high-contrast white and navy print shirt featuring large tropical plants he’d purchased that afternoon in the hotel’s gift shop. When he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, his stomach started churning again. 

Finally, at 6:30 Wes knocked on his door. “Ray, this is going to be a night you will never forget.”

Wes was right. Both Sunny and Sue were waiting in the car, this time the top was down. Ray got in the back and sat next to Sue. Wes, got in the front. “Hi Ray, so nice to see you,” Sue said. “Yea, me too.” he paused “I mean I’m glad to see you.” His stomach seemed to be doing somersaults. He looked briefly at Sue and turned to watch the shore line passing by. “Nice weather were having.” Sue nodded then added. “You look nice. That is quite a shirt you’re wearing.” He didn’t know what to say, then said “Yea, thanks.” He prayed that he would settle down. Otherwise, he might act like an idiot. A part of him was feeling guilty about being out with a woman who was not his wife.

The ride to the luau at “Miki Tiki Blue Waters Lounge” took only a few minutes. They were there early enough to participate in pre-dinner activities like viewing an exhibit of Polynesian hand made articles, cooking demonstrations and even hula lessons.  The girls seemed interested in everything while Wes and Ray watched. 

Almost an hour later, they were seated on the floor on mats decorated with large centerpieces made of native leaves.

It was a glorious feast! At each place was a paper Aloha dinner plate which they used to fill up with luau stew, a stew that is made with young taro leaves, chicken, and coconut milk. The highlight of this food feast was a whole pig slow-cooked in an earth oven. Beside eating new and different foods, there was the requirement that all food had to be eaten with their hands. This was really awkward for Ray who had to be coaxed by Sue.

While they ate, they were entertained by traditional Hawaiian music and hula dancers. Following dinner, there was more hula dancing with customers invited to join in after a brief demonstration of essentials.  After this, for a breathtaking finale, there were Samoan fire dancers.

After all the foods and entertainment, Ray asked Sue if she would like to take a walk along the beach. Her answer was wonderful, “Sure, let’s go.”

With that they both rose up and headed toward the beach only a block away. 

Ray showed interest in her work, asking her questions about how busy she was, did she get to use a computer, did she like her job, what were her bosses like.

After her turn to answer questions, it was his. She wanted to know if they were using computers at his company. He had to say they were a little behind the times. He did, however, go through what his responsibilities were when the financial reports were received. He went through ways he had to investigate charges and the need, from time to time, to question the legitimacy of items purchased which were not in the budget. He was laughing as he told about a few confrontations he had. As he was talking, he felt confident and relieved to be around someone who actually took an interest in his work and was able to understand his explanations 

After several moments of quiet, Ray finally said something he later wished he had not. He told Sue about the sudden death of his wife, April. As Ray shared this, he became aware again of the raw feelings from his still fresh wound. 

He stopped talking and silently released tears that washed his cheeks. He desperately wanted her to hug him. 

She finally did. It allowed him to release more of his hurt. She tried to let go, but he clutched her even tighter. Here was someone who listened, was understanding and full of compassion. Here was someone special. He knew he needed her.

He finally let go

They just walked on in silence. 

Posted in Adventures, Appearance, Bravery, Communication, Computer, Connection, Courage, Death, Depression, Disappointment, Feelings, Friendship, Grief, Letting Go, Life, Loss, love, Manliness, Marriage, Memory, Perseverance, Perspective, relationships, Self-Worth, Suffering, vacation | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Looking for Life After Loss-Chapter Six

After finishing their food and drinks, Wes stood up and Ray slowly joined him. Wes paid their bill. They walked to Wes’ car and got in. The Dreamland Motel was only a mile from the airport which didn’t give them much time to talk. Ray thought he should rest to recover from the long flight. Wes nodded. “Sounds like a plan, my main man.”

They bear hugged at Ray’s room and parted. Ray opened the door, noticing the room was well-lit with a partially open sliding glass door facing the ocean and a rectangular skylight in its center. There were bright cushions on a dark wooden framed sofa which contrasted with the several plants and flowers showing bright green, violet and red colors. Ray didn’t change his clothes prior to laying on the bed. Before he drifted off, he had a smile on his face.

He woke up the next morning at 5:30 local time and laid still hoping to fall back asleep, but he could not. Wes’ call came to the room at 7:30 inviting Ray to meet for a “great breakfast buffet” at the Island Breeze Restaurant a few miles down the road. Ray was dressed and sitting on his bed when Wes knocked on the door just before 8 a..m. 

“Hey buddy, how ya doing?”came the loud greeting as Ray opened the door.

“Fine. Slept like a baby. I’ve been showered and ready to go since 7:00 a.m. Tried watching TV, but nothing seemed interesting. Walked in the parking lot for a bit. Now I’m starving. Let’s eat!”

With that the two men headed to Wes’s Thunderbird. For Wes, it was a little too cool for the convertible’s top to be down. Ray, however, started to sweat.

The drive to the restaurant took just over five minutes. When they walked in, a white haired woman smiled and said “aloha.” Wes returned the greeting while Ray said “thanks. Same to you.”

She led them to their seats which were close enough to the buffet, Ray swallowed several times and licked his lips. He went through the line and picked out white rice, topped with a ground beef hamburger patty, sautéed onions, a fried egg, and warm, savory gravy. For drinks he started with Pineapple Nectar followed by Island Sweet Mocha. These were all new to him and he couldn’t really tell which food he liked best. It all seemed to fit together well and after a second helping, he let out a big exhale and said “wow. That was fantastic. I’m stuffed.” After several minutes of quiet, he thought I simply have to tell April about the place. Then, however, his stomach turned bitter as he remembered she was no longer around. 

Wes noticed the difference in Ray’s look and asked “What’s wrong man? All of a sudden you’ve gone quiet.”

“I was just thinking this place is so cool, I can’t wait to tell my wife. But that happy thought was swept away by the realization that she’s dead. She can never come here cuz she can never be with me again!” With that Ray looked away not wanting to show Wes the tears that were sliding slowly down his cheeks.  

“Hey Ray, it’s ok! Don’t worry about it! These things happen! We just have to move past them”

“I’m not sure I can. I’ll never forget her. She was the most wonderful woman I could ever hope to be with.”

“Oh, it’s alright. After all there’s lots of good looking girls all over the place. This is Hawaii, man! You might even find somebody here.” With that he slapped Ray on the back.

Ray wiped away the last tears and nodded in agreement. “You’re right. I’m here on vacation. I’m here to get away from my problems. This is a great place. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. And what a great breakfast that was.”

This time Ray paid the bill.

That afternoon, they booked a seat on the Great Waikiki Tour Bus which lasted three hours, going to the location of some of the first houses built, touring through an area of expensive condominium apartments, stopping for a time of walking along the famous beaches, and hearing a pitch for visiting the Pearl Harbor Memorial. After, Ray said he would like to visit the memorial if they could.

After a full day of touring, Ray said he needed to relax before they went out for the evening. Wes kidded him about needing a nap.

That night they went to another restaurant which promised more local favorite foods prepared by Chef Ailani, whose cookbooks were popular as was his weekly Television Program “Island Cooking for Everyone.”

As interested as Ray was in trying more Hawaiian food, he was more surprised as he entered the restaurant. Waiting with Wes was Sunny and she lived up to her name. She was a brunette with smooth complexion, pleasing smile, wearing a colorful dress with palm trees all around. “So this is your Army buddy. Wow! He’s good looking. Where’ve you been hiding him?

Ray blushed. But that reaction was nothing compared to his reaction when he saw Sunny had a female friend with her. 

Wes did the introductions. Ray, I’d like you to meet my girl friend Sunny and her girl friend, not mine (he chuckled). Her name is Sue.”

Ray shook Sunny’s hand first and then, even though his insides started to twist and churn, he extended his hand to Sue. “Nice to meet you, Sue.”

Sue wore red framed glasses with short, auburn, wavy hair and was wearing a red dress decorated with white flowers. The dress looked especially nice on the young lady’s slender frame. Shaking her hand gave Ray a feeling of warmth and her smile caused him to look away.

Dinner was another adventure in eating and the floor show was a sight with Maori War Dancers, swirling flaming spears as they danced. 

Three times he glanced at Sue who was looking at him. He smiled and she did too. 

During quiet times, he learned that she was a secretary working downtown in a law firm. She had worked for them for five years and enjoyed the job. Ray told of his work doing budget analysis which he found enjoyable since he loved working with numbers. He added that he even had the ability to remember long strings of numbers. 

After the show, they walked out together and Wes took Ray to his motel first. Sue leaned over and gave a quick kiss on the cheek before he left the car.

The next day, Wes, Sunny and Ray visited the Pearl Harbor Memorial. Sue had to work. 

Sunny was not her usual self. Both Ray and Wes gasped and stopped walking when they learned Sunny’s grandfather had died in the attack that day. That made them each quiet down for several minutes.

That night it was only Wes and Ray as they visited another bar, Where the Action Is. As they drank and reminisced, Ray noticed Wes drinking almost twice as fast as he was. And Ray didn’t even care for alcohol. But Wes sure did. He began slurring his words and dozed off a couple of times. Ray finally said “Wes, I think we’d better get going. I’m tired and it looks like you’re starting to nod off.”

“Nonsense! I’m as flit as a piddle…I mean fit as a fladidle” He started talking louder and seemed to suddenly be full of energy. In fact, he finished his drink and said “lets go!”

Ray paid the bar tab and walked behind Wes to make sure he didn’t fall. When they got to the car, Ray walked Wes to the passenger’s side. Wes stopped him and said “what are you doing, buddy? I’m driving. I don’t allow no one else to drive my car. So, you set your little self down here in the passenger’s seat. I’m driving” he announced with a firm, loud voice. 

Ray reluctantly got in on the passenger side. Wes fumbled with the keys trying to unlock the already unlocked door. Finally he realized it was open and sat down behind the steering wheel.  

On the way to his motel, he hit the brakes hard at a red light. With his window open, Wes started talking to the guys in the car to his left. Before Ray could say anything, Wes yelled at them “you’re on!” When the light turned green, Wes floored the gas pedal. With a loud screeching sound from his tires, the car shot away from the intersection. The other auto did the same. Suddenly a memory of a similar situation in Germany came to mind. Ray finally shouted “Wes, stop this madness! If you don’t I’m getting out of the car and walking. You’re going fast, so I’ll probably hurt myself. But you have to understand I am serious. I don’t feel safe in this car and you need to stop!”

Wes didn’t say anything, but after another block, he eased his foot off the gas, slowed the car down and pulled to the curb.

“I’m sorry, man. I don’t know what came over me. I’m ok.” He paused and then said in a lower voice “I’ll just take you back to your motel.”

The next day Ray spent going for walks and watching TV in his room. He received a call in the middle of the afternoon from Wes. He was sick and wouldn’t be able to do anything with Ray. He apologized for last night. Ray walked to the burger place two blocks away for a mid-afternoon breakfast/lunch/dinner. He took another walk along the beach that night. He was starting to miss home.

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Looking for Life After Loss-Chapter Five

The next morning, getting out of bed at his usual 6:30 a.m., he took off his pajamas and stepped into the shower. As he washed himself he started humming a melody which he couldn’t identify or remember humming in a very long time. He finished his shower and found some clothes in his closet he thought April had bought for him. Feeling fresh from the shower and wearing brand new clothes, he felt  “like a new man,” 

After breakfast, he drove back to the travel agency. He spotted a parking space only a block away and pulled right in. He put some coins in the meter and headed in clutching Wes’ letter. A soft bell chimed as he opened the door and both ladies responded at the same time “Good morning.” Doris, the one who had helped him before, rose from her chair and walked over to shake Ray’s hand. “How may I help  you?”

Ray coughed and reintroduced himself. “Hi Doris, my name is Ray and I…” 

She interrupted “Yes, Ray I remember you.”He felt a pleasant warmth move all through his body. Then he recalled she’s married and his voice dropped to a lower, quieter volume.

“Well, I heard from my Army buddy Wes who’s back in Hawaii, in a town called Waikiki. I have his address and I’ve written him and he’s written back. We even talked on the phone.” Ray noticed he was talking fast so he slowed down and stopped. He took a slow breath and continued. “Anyhow, he said he’d love for me to come visit him. We could talk over old times and have some laughs. He even said…” with that Ray’s voice trailed off. He didn’t want to mention about the wild times Wes would probably want to have. “So anyway, I’m here to make the arrangements for the discount package you told me about. I assume it’s still available.” Ray waited for her response.

She sat back down and bent over then opened the mahogany desk drawers. She made noises with her tongue as she quickly fingered through a lot of papers. “Well, I’m not seeing it.” She turned to her co-worker. “Betsy, do you have the brochure on that discounted package to Hawaii.  

Betsy stopped work on her computer and started looking through piles of papers on her desk, then checked the drawers on her desk. “No, I’m not finding it. Don’t you have it? I remember seeing you with it earlier this week?”

Doris took in a deep breath. Then, the woman looked again through all her papers and the desk drawers. Finally she stopped and turned to face what Ray still thought looked like a big TV on her desk. “Wait, let me check online. I think I received information from the hotel in an email.” With that she began typing quickly sounding like a woodpecker attacking a tree. 

After a long delay, Doris announced “I’ve got it. Here’s the info.” She quickly printed it and jerked the paper out of the big machine standing next to her,  “Yes, here it is.” She read it quietly and said reassuringly. “Yes, we can get you the discounted package. The offer hasn’t expired.”

She took his personal information including credit card data from Ray and went back to the computer. After a few more minutes, she turned to Ray and went over his trip arrangements. “The total flying time would be 10 hours. You will have one stopover in Los Angeles and then continue on to Honolulu. And I’ve booked you into the Maka Luau Hotel in Waikiki for two weeks.

Ray sat still for a few moments, then got to his feet. Doris handed him all the paperwork and offered her hand. Ray shook it. “Thanks Doris. I am so grateful for all you’ve done.” As he exited the agency, he turned and waved to the two women. 

The next seven days seemed to crawl by. He called Wes that evening. Wes’ voice was louder and he talked faster than before. “Ray, we are going to have one heck of a good time. Two old army buddies loose on the town.”

On the day before his flight, Ray packed a couple pairs of jeans, short-sleeved shirts, socks and underwear. Finally, at 4 pm that Sunday, he closed the big suitcase and set it by the door. Then he remember toiletries so he opened the suitcase and stuffed in those items.

He slept lightly as his dreams were short and varied like previews of coming attractions in a movie theatre. 

He boarded the bus at the downtown Indianapolis Greyhound Terminal the next morning at 8:30. His flight out of O’ Hare Airport was at 12:05 pm. It was a ten hour flight, but he would gain six hours flying west, arriving in Honolulu at 4 pm their time.

Ray thought he should try and sleep on the plane because he needed it, and it would help pass the time. Several attempts didn’t work, so he looked at the back of the seat in front of him, at the airline magazine, what little he could see out the window and quite a bit of the time daydreaming about what it was going to be like with Wes. He recalled the Travel Agents poster of young people playing volleyball on a beach. He thought about surfing thinking he probably wouldn’t try it. And he imagined what a Hawaiian girl would look like: tanned brunette, nice figure, great smile, grass skirt. He enjoyed all of his day dreams.

There was a bit of turbulence as the plane flew over the Rocky Mountains, but calm after heading out over the blue Pacific Ocean. Ray had only ever seen the Atlantic Ocean when he flew to Germany. This was his first time heading west across the States.

The plane landed smoothly and on time in Hawaii. It took another twenty minutes for the plane to taxi to the gate where he deplaned with the other passengers. As he walked into the airport proper, he was trying to see if Wes was there, like he’d promised. He was, but looked different with a dark brown full beard and shoulder length blonde hair .In the army no one was allowed to have facial hair and “hippie hair” was never seen in the ranks of the young men.

As Ray ran past some gorgeous Hawaiian girls in grass skirts, ready to greet him, he yelled at Wes “look at you, you flaming hippie!” When they met, they bear-hugged each other. 

They walked together to the baggage claim area where Ray snagged his suitcase off the conveyer. Wes offered to carry it, but Ray insisted “No, buddy! I can handle it.” With that they both laughed. Wes slapped Ray on the back. “No problem buddy. We’ll do this thing together, like we did back at good old Camp Nein Holten.”

They walked out the front door of the airport and into the short term parking lot. After passing several rows and aisles, they finally reached Wes’ car. It was a highly polished and spotless 1966 red Thunderbird convertible. Wes proudly pointed it out to Ray who almost yelled “Wow, this is yours? It’s fantastic!”

Wes pretending to be surprised said “Really? You think this is cool?” 

Ray slapped him on the back, “Cut it out! This is my dream car.”

After they’d sat down inside the car and were underway, Ray told his Thunderbird story while running his fingers along the leather dash. “When I was little I always wanted a T-Bird. The closest I ever came to having one was a scale model I put together. I vowed I would have one some day. But that never happened. Instead I got married…” His voice trailed off. He could feel the tears dripping down his cheeks.  

As hard as he tried he could not stop the tears from coming. It always felt uncomfortable to be crying in front of others, especially in front of an army buddy.

Wes was quiet for a few moments, then suggested they stop and get some coffee. Ray nodded. They had only a short distance to drive to a restaurant that looked like something in a movie. There were palm trees, multi colored flowers, plants and highly polished wood on the floor, the walls and even the ceiling. The waitresses all wore bright colored dresses with little slits in the side. They all seemed beautiful to Ray. 

After finding their own seats, a waitress came to their table. Wes ordered a specialty coffee and encouraged Ray to try one. It came in a white cup that had the name of the shop on the side of it with a painted picture of the beach with more palm trees and lots of ocean, Ray wasn’t sold on the idea of a hot drink. He considered a drink which the waitress suggested, Hawaiian Nights, which was made with pineapple juice, rum and a dash of vodka. He thanked her but just went with a root beer in a frosted mug.  

Ray apologized for breaking down, Wes quickly said “no problem. You can talk about her if you want.” Wes smiled at Ray.

“No, I’d just as soon not. These spells come over me and I am trying to make myself strong enough to just work through them.  

Wes smiled. “That sounds good to me. I have a lot of fun things planned for our time here and they are guaranteed to make you feel better about everything.

More casual conversation followed until there was silence. All Ray could hear was the music coming from the juke box that seemed too loud.

Finally, Wes, sat up and announced. “I’ve got something real nice planned for this Friday. Were going to a luau. You’ll love it!”

Ray also sat up. “What is a luau?” He stared at Wes who looked down, toyed with his silverware and smiled.

Posted in Adventures, Challenge, Feelings, Friendship, Fun, Grief, Holidays, Letting Go, Loss, Military, Restoration, vacation | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Looking for Life after Loss-Chapter Four

Ray tore open the letter, but not until noticing the return address was different than the one he had. Someone must have corrected it. He scanned the page. In the first part of the letter Wes told about what he’d been doing since returning home. There was a period of unemployment for many months. Wes had joined a local American Legion Post and was friends with a small group of people. He said the drinking social hour afterward was the best part of the meeting. It was when he made a lot of new buddies and they had a lot of laughs.

Ray noticed that one of Wes’s new “friends”, the only one mentioned by name, was a woman named Sunny. It got Ray wondering if there night be a romantic connection there.

His buddy went on: “I love my job and the beach is a place I regularly visit, since my apartment is only a few blocks away. On the third hand-written page, finally, was Ray’s answer “I’d love to see ya, guy. We could talk about the fun and not so fun times we had in Germany. Maybe we could do some bar hopping.” 

Ray groaned remembering those times the two of them were in town on authorized leave. But that discomfort quickly went away and Ray looked to see if Wes had given his phone number. He had. 

At 11:00 pm that night, Ray called. Wes immediately recognized Ray’s voice. “Is that you, Ray. Wow! It sure is great to hear from you. What you been up to?” Ray filled Wes in on his work. While he did, it seemed like the years and distance melted away. Finally, slowly, Ray said “My wife just died.” 

Wes didn’t say a word. 

Ray finally said “Wes! Are you still there?” 

He quietly answered. “Yea, man. I am so sorry”

Ray struggled to stay composed. “Thanks. It’s been just awful. Sometimes I think I’m over it and then I’ll go into the laundry room and everything will hit me and it feels like I want to throw up.” Ray went quiet again. “Sometimes I just want to run away, get as far away from this place as I can.” He paused to figure out how to bring up the idea of a visit. Finally Ray, feeling shaky as he talked, said “Wes, that’s why I’d like to come visit you. I just need to get to someplace different. Everything in this house reminds me of April. I just need to get away for awhile. I’m pretty sure I can get time off from my job.”

Wes interrupted at that point. “Ray, buddy, I would love to have you come and visit. I was relieved to see this place is still gorgeous. There are lots of great beaches, with great looking girls,” he chuckled. “It’ll be just the ticket. When do you want to come?”

“The sooner the better. How about next week?”

“That’ll be just fine.”

“That’s great. I’ll talk to my boss tomorrow and see when I can leave. As soon as I find out, I’ll give you a call. By the way, can you get time off from your job?”

Wes again did not hesitate. “I’m positive old buddy! We’ll have a blast.”

With that they both hung up.

For the first time since April’s death, it felt like some of the heaviness of sorrow and anger in his heart had lifted.  That single bed in their guest room, even though it looked lonely, was a welcome sight.

The next day brought a mob of dark clouds over the city. Ray thought they must be a bad sign.  His dread seemed justified when his boss, Arthur Langton, called him into the office. Like all other offices in the building, the walls were a pale yellow with nondescript framed paintings. Each office had standard gray colored flat weave carpeting supporting neutral colored metal desks and black leather executive chairs.  With floor to ceiling glass on each outside wall there were spectacular views of the downtown area. Langton invited Ray to take a seat. Feeling quite uneasy, Ray did what he was told.

“Ray, I’ve been concerned about you. Losing your wife so suddenly must have been a terrible blow. How are you managing? Are you eating ok? How’s your sleep lately?”

Again Ray felt the urge to burst out crying but forced himself to stay composed and responded in a slow, low voice “It’s been rough, like nothing I’ve ever been through before. Just when I start thinking I’m managing ok, some memory will hit me and I’ll feel almost helpless, like I don’t know what to do with myself. All I can do is sit down and let the tears come, even though I hate the feelings I get.”

With that, Langton got up from his desk, came around and stood next to Ray who quickly got to his feet, and shook his boss’ hand. Langton’s eyes moistened. He stared at Ray and said “Let me know if there is anything I can do. I’ll try to keep your workload on the low side because I know it can be hard to concentrate. Besides, all the budget reports for the month have been completed. Things are in good shape right now.”

Ray thought for a minute and then with new found confidence said “Well, actually Mr. Langton, I was wondering if I could take another two weeks off from work. I know I am not much good these days and I think a little break from everything might help me get life and my work back in perspective again.”

Langton smiled and nodded. “Ray, I think we can arrange that. I too believe it will do you some good and help you come back a bit refreshed from all the stress you’ve been under.”

Ray reached out his hand to Langton’s and shook it firmly. “Thanks so much, sir. I really appreciate it. I agree. I think it will help me. And…thanks for understanding.”

Wanting to share the happy news with Wes that evening, Ray started writing a letter, but threw it away. He would call Wes and tell him the good news  on the phone so he could hear Wes’ reaction.  While he waited for the discount calling period, he looked at his calendar and while smiling, marked off the dates. Tomorrow I’ll go back to the travel agent and hope I can still get the discounted price. 

His call with Wes didn’t take long. Ray told him that his boss had given him the time off and the vacation would begin next Monday. Meanwhile, he would go back to the travel agent tomorrow to make all the arrangements. 

That night he didn’t recall having any dreams. When he woke up and looked in the mirror, he smiled at his reflection. 

Now, he had to set up the trip. When he thought about it, he remembered Doris, the lady who had helped him two times. For a few seconds, he smiled at the thought of seeing her again. Then he remembered something.  

 

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Looking For Life After Loss-Chapter Three

The next day was another rainy one. His windshield wipers had to be on the fastest setting. He parked in the four story structure a block away. Grabbing his umbrella he quickly made his way to a travel agency named Paradise Adventures. As he walked in the door, he saw several large posters of beaches with cloudless skies, waves rolling toward shore, and tanned couples lying on the beach and other young people playing volleyball. He had never played the game, but seeing the young men and women laughing and leaping in the air to blast the ball past their opponents gave him confidence this was what he might like to try. The sunshine, however, on this rainy day was the biggest attraction for Ray.

He walked in and heard a cheery “good morning” in unison from the female blonde and the redhead each seated at their desks. Next to each one was what looked like a TV, but with typewriter keys in front of it. The redhead went back to work looking into the TV while typing on her keyboard.  The blonde met his eyes and gave him a big smile. In a pleasant sounding voice said “It is nice to see you.” She motioned to the chair next to her desk. “Would you care to have a seat?”

He closed up his umbrella and placed it next to the door. Then he walked over next to the blonde woman’s desk and sat down.

“My name is Doris. How may I help you today, sir?” As she spoke he noticed her soft features with a light shade of lipstick and slight touches of makeup.  She was wearing a two piece skirt suit. Her skin was soft and seemed to beg to be touched. Her arched brown eyebrows were a pleasant complement to her wavy blonde hair. At first Ray couldn’t think of anything to say. 

Then he said “No, I’m ok, I just came in…he paused and held his breath. Finally, he exhaled and said “I just came in because I saw your beautiful posters in the window and wanted to know more about taking a vacation to one of those places.”  He paused then laughed. “Sorry, I didn’t tell you my name. It’s Ray.”

She gave him a smile which he enjoyed. She is really pretty.

He kept staring at her as she opened a drawer and pulled out a handful of brochures covering many of the Pacific Islands.  The first one was for a tour of of Micronesia’s islands: Mariana, Marshall, and Caroline. She let him look them over to see if anything caught his interest. After a few minutes, he said “I don’t think so. Do you have any more?”

With that she snapped her finger and said “wait a minute, I’ve got just the trip for you.” She reached down to her drawer a second time and pulled out a flyer of a trip to Hawaii that was being offered now at a discounted price.  “This tour is being offered with great savings off the regular price.” She carefully looked it over. “Yes, this is quite a good deal. You’ll be staying at the Maka Luau Hotel in Waikiki for two weeks. It only opened a short while ago which is why they are offering deep discounted prices. You’ll be minutes from the beach with almost perfect weather every day. The food is fantastic. I know from personal experience. My husband and I visited Waikiki for our 5 year anniversary last year. It was a once in a lifetime experience.” She smiled as she seemed to recall parts of the trip. 

As she was talking, he remembered Wes Smith, an Army pal in Germany. The man was from Hawaii and he had said he was going back there after his discharge. Ray thought he might actually have Wes’ address somewhere in his things back at home. Wes, the son of an Army Major stationed in Hawaii, was actually originally from Wisconsin. The fellow was fun to be around, always coming up with fun and not always legal things to do on passes out in the towns nearby.

After the agent stopped talking about the places of interest, she asked “Do you think you might like to visit Hawaii. It’s a great price and you’ll have a nice time…I guarantee it.”

He shook his head. “No, I’m not ready to say yes. I need to think about it. I had a buddy in the Army who was from Hawaii who told me he was going back there after he got out. I might have his address at home. If I do, and he still lives there, I would really like to visit him.”

She nodded. “Well, don’t take too long to say yes. The special runs out the end of this month. It’s a nice package deal and you’ll be staying in a great place.” With that she rose from her chair. He did the same. They shook hands. He walked out the door with the flyer and a smile on his face.

That afternoon, he pulled out his bag of souvenirs from his time in the Army. He had a German Luger, some coasters from Oktoberfest in Hamburg, some photos from passes taken with his buddies, including Wes Finally, he found a sheet which had several names and addresses. These were all young men he’d been friends with.And there was Wes’ name with no phone number. Fortunately, there was an address: 112 Ala Wai Blvd, Waikiki Hawaii.

He reached in his desk and pulled out some lined paper and started writing. He wrote that he was reaching out because he wanted to take a vacation to Hawaii and would like to get together with him for old time’s sake. He folded the letter, inserted in the already addressed envelope, and placed a stamp on it. As he walked to the mail box, he thought back to the good times they had . This might be good for me.

The days that followed were a bit better but he still had feelings of great sadness come over him several times that week. He started getting more comfortable making himself something to eat at home instead of eating out.  He found himself actually looking forward to the future which seemed good. 

He went back to work, but still had trouble at times focusing. There were too many times he felt like he couldn’t take living anymore. He should go home and lock himself away.

After two weeks with no response, Ray decided the trip to Hawaii was not going to happen. It was near the end of the month and in two days, the discount for the trip would disappear.

Finally on  29th day of the month, he got Wes’ letter.

Posted in Depression, Feelings, Fiction, Friends, Grief, Healing, Loss, relationships, Suffering, travel, vacation | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Looking For Life After a Loss-Chapter Two

The loss of his wife, came back especially strong in certain rooms. When he went into the laundry room, he saw piles of dirty clothes. Sometimes there were damp clothes in the washer waiting to be moved to the dryer. But that couldn’t happen until he emptied the dryer. But some of those clean clothes could not just be folded and put away. They had to be ironed. The unattended clothes reminded him that laundry was all on him from now on. She wasn’t coming back ever.

When he walked into the kitchen, there were stacks of dirty plates, piles of bowls and silverware in the sink overflowing to the counter top. There was a dishwasher, but he couldn’t remember how to run it. Again, the kitchen was her domain and she kept it clean and organized. Wherever he saw dirty dishes, they told him she wasn’t around and never would be again. 

Ray decided the worst time for him was eating alone. One night while eating a partnerless meal, he came up with the idea of going to the nearby diner. “The newspaper will be my date,” he said to himself. It gave him someplace to look while eating instead of staring around the room. The last thing he wanted was to see people staring at him. With the current news spread out before his dinner, he believed it looked like he was catching up with current events. He’d always thought a person eating alone was a sad sight. If he looked up and saw someone looking at him, he quickly switched his gaze back to his “date.”

However, he’d finally decided his finances wouldn’t allow his eating out every night. Even though he was making good money as a Budget Analyst for the Midwest Energy Company, he still needed to watch his money, because one never knew when another emergency might come up. So, on the days he was eating in, he played religious music and lit a candle. For some reason, the candle reminded him of April and the light she had brought into his otherwise gloomy life. This became a regular ritual which he decided helped him feel he was not really alone. 

One of the chores he knew he needed eventually to do was look at all the sympathy cards. There were several handfuls of them. He put them on their bed, then, he closed the door. He was afraid that looking at the cards would make him cry, and he didn’t want to go through that again. He no longer used their bedroom, relegating himself to a single bed in their guest room.

Another chore which he couldn’t bring himself to do was sort through her clothes. He knew it would be too much and he didn’t want to get rid of something he might later wish he’d saved. Since he couldn’t decide anything now, he just left everything as it was. He found it gave him a bit of comfort having signs of her life around. One of her possessions he couldn’t touch was her purse. He had always thought that a woman’s purse was her private space. At one time, he even thought that looking in a woman’s purse was bad luck. 

He decided that he would eventually give her daughters and grand daughter the opportunity to take whatever they wanted and the rest he would donate to a second hand clothing store in town. For the time being, however, he would not make any decisions. He would put all those matters on hold while he struggled with everyday responsibilities.

Ray’s job gave him three weeks compassionate leave. At first, he appreciated it, but finally decided he’d rather be back at work than sitting home with all the memories. So after a week and one day, he went back to work. At first it felt good to have other things to focus on, but then he noticed something he hadn’t expected. He found it nearly impossible for him to concentrate. He’d just stare at budget and cost reports, not able to understand what he was looking at. It felt like a giant vise was squeezing his brain almost shut and an oversized stone was pushing down on his heart. When he looked out his office window, he often saw young people walking by, some were couples, arms intertwined laughing as they walked along. Then, there were single men and women walking along. And he knew he must look as lonely as they did. 

One afternoon, while staring out his window, an idea came to mind. 

Posted in Aging, Challenge, Death, Depression, Feelings, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Perseverance | Leave a comment

Looking for Life After Loss (Chapter One-Continued)

Finally, the doctor came in, clean shaven, neatly dressed, speaking slowly and clearly. He asked Ray if April had been having any physical difficulties lately. Ray confessed that she had been complaining of headaches recently, but didn’t want to consult with any doctors. He kept the real reasons for her reluctance to seek medical help to himself.  No one had ever explained nor dealt with.her Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder, the lung infection, an emergency MRI for a virus affecting her third optic nerve.  Enough was enough. All the doctor visits had worn her down.

The doctor then dropped the crushing fact on Ray. “April’s heart stopped and we couldn’t get it going.” The doctor paused while Ray sat. It felt like his insides were on fire. The doctor explained “There was an aneurysm at the base of her brain that suddenly burst. She died very quickly.” He then asked Ray if he had any questions. but Ray had no idea what to say.

For less than a second, he had the feeling that she ran by laughing. Was it a momentary glimpse into the spirit world? He wanted to believe it was.

After the doctor left, Ray called his mother in Michigan and, while sobbing loudly, told her what had happened. All he could say over and over was: “Ma, April is dead. April has died!” His mother seemed unable to take in the news. Soon, he realized he was shouting and quieted down.

After hanging up, he continued crying. Not an emotional release, more like vomiting. He tried to remember the last time he cried, but it was too much to remember. A great weight had come down on him.

Shortly after that, April’s dad, daughter and grand daughter showed up breathing heavily as they came in the room. Ray told them the news. Only a few words were said. What could anyone say? Someone said they were thankful the aneurysm hadn’t burst while she was driving and crashing into another driver.

After several quiet minutes, they all were led into the room where April was lying stone still on a hospital bed covered with a sheet up to her neck. Ray couldn’t bring himself to touch her. He could not even look at her. April’s dad could only say “amazing.” The word seemed strange to Ray. He’d always thought “amazing” referred to something wonderful and good. April’s sudden death was neither wonderful nor good.

After they parted, Ray drove home. He happened to think of her car, but didn’t want to deal with it. Hadn’t someone promised to drive it to their house? He wasn’t sure. The sky had turned dark and it rained hard all the way home. The windshield wipers could not keep up with the downpour two times causing him to pull off to the side of the road and wait for it to slow. Seeing the house surprised him because at the moment, he couldn’t remember driving from the hospital.

He had an appointment to meet some friends for coffee later that day. Should he keep or cancel it? He called one of the guys and canceled. After he hung up, he sighed and thought it was probably the right thing to do. He was learning how difficult it would be to make decisions while navigating this incomprehensible loss.

At home, he sat in the living room with the Queen Anne furniture, stereo components and cable TV, trying to remember what it was like to see her walk into a room. He could not remember her, which made him wonder what was wrong with him. Why couldn’t he remember what it was like living with her? After awhile, he got up and went to the kitchen. He microwaved some canned soup in a bowl and put it on a plate with crackers on it. As he swallowed his food, Ray found himself lost in a place that was neither real nor imagined. He felt like a man walking alone in a thick, dark forest. The big question was “how can someone walk out of your house in the morning and never come back?” It was the first of a hundred times he would ask this question with never an answer. There was no way to explain or understand her sudden death.

Ray went through the required activities over the next few days. He saw the funeral director, talked with the minister about the service, phoned the medical examiner to find out more of what happened to April. He said she probably was dead within 30 seconds of the aneurysm bursting. Ray thought that was probably a blessing. She had always said she would not like to linger with an illness. If she ever got cancer she would refuse treatment. When the time came, she would want to go quickly. And she just did.

What should he do now? His wife was gone. Even though there was furniture around, he was still alone like he’d always feared.

Posted in Adversity, Challenge, Death, Grief, Loss, Marriage, relationships, Suffering | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Looking for Life After Loss

This story comes from the need to write about the loss of my wife, Inga Rockwood. An aneurysm at the base of her brain suddenly ruptured and she died in less than a minute. This story, is drawn from my own confusing journey to find life again, without identifying any persons or places that were involved.

Chapter One 

The phone call startled Ray. His wife’s Bridge partner, in a low voice,  informed him that his wife, April, had fallen from her chair and been taken to the nearest emergency room. She probably just fainted. Still, he knew he needed to get to the hospital as fast as he could. This must have something to do with her recent headaches, possibly a brain tumor. 

Puffy clouds lazily inched across the sky. He made good time driving the two lane highway to the suspension bridge spanning the Mighty Mac River, then on the other side, speeding to the the Northern Methodist Hospital. When Ray identified himself to the receptionist in the Emergency Room, she said calmly that the doctor wanted to talk to him. She escorted the man into a small, sterile consultation room. This must be serious: maybe a brain tumor, a heart attack, or possibly a stroke. While he waited, trying to calm himself, he stared at the empty walls and the few magazines on the table next to him. For a long time no one walked past his door. He picked up a magazine, glanced through it for a few seconds, then put it down. He looked at the clock. He wiped sweat off his forehead, then checked his watch. What is going on?

I will be regularly adding more of the story, eventually posting the entire narrative. My purpose for sharing this is the hope it helps someone else going through sudden loss.

Posted in Adversity, Challenge, Death, Fear, Fiction, Grief, Healing, Life, Loss, love | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Guest Blog from Dave Reichert

Dave was a young Christian who witnessed the Gospel to me in a way that made sense and met me where I was in my life. Rather than telling me I needed to get my life together, Dave said the most welcome words to me “Rich, it doesn’t work that way. You let God into your heart, and the change flows out from there.” I knew it was the only way it could be for me. Dave recently sent this to me for possible inclusion on my blog. I am happy to post it here and hope many will read it.

The Last Word of Christ

Before I was a Christian, I was in college working on a degree in technical electronics. For some reason (not understood at the time), I felt compelled to enroll in a class on Biblical Greek. This class was certainly not in my area of study and I didn’t even complete the class, dropping out mid-term.

However, I did begin to learn that the Greek language is far more expressive and nuanced than our English. A simple example is our word “Love”. In English, we must have the word in context to really understand the meaning. “I Love that color” and “I love my wife” are completely different expressions in English. In Greek, there are 3 distinct words that we can only translated as “love” in English. These 3 words in Greek differentiate the different levels and meaning of love.

As we read the words “It is finished” as recorded in our Bibles (John 19:30) most of us have a very simplistic understanding of there meaning. We make think of them as simply meaning something is completed, and that is true. However it helps to understand that Jesus did NOT say “it is finished”, He said ONE GREEK WORD τετέλεσται (tetelestai). This single word is translated for us as “it is finished” and carries the weight of full completion, like a debt paid in full or a masterpiece completed.

In its original context, Tetelestai was used on a certificate of debt to signify that the obligation had been completely satisfied, freeing the debtor.

In a courtroom, it meant a penalty or sentence had been fully served, and the prisoner was free from that judgment.

Soldiers would use it as a declaration of total victory, meaning their mission had been completely fulfilled.

When Jesus said tetelestai on the cross, he was declaring:

1.       The debt of humankind’s sin was paid in full.

2.       The spiritual war against sin, death, and Satan was won.

3.       His work of salvation was fully accomplished and finished, providing total freedom and victory for those who believe.

It should be noted that Tetelestai is in the perfect verb tense in Greek. This tense signifies an action completed in the past with results continuing into the present. It means the action was completed, and its effects are eternally valid and ongoing.

Now attach this tense to each of the declarations above:

1.       The debt of humankind’s sin was paid in full. Eternally valid and ongoing.

2.       The spiritual war against sin, death, and Satan was won. Eternally valid and ongoing.

3.       His work of salvation was fully accomplished and finished, providing total freedom and victory for those who believe. Eternally valid and ongoing.

Let your hearts be at peace and sing with praise for God’s wisdom, glory, and eternal plan, and for His Son, the LORD Jesus Christ who uttered τετέλεσται (tetelestai).

Posted in Belief, Bible, Christ, Faith, Gospel, Jesus, Peace, Praise, Providence, Restoration, Right Standing with God, Salvation, Work | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

“It’s Just Not Fair”

      How many of us, having suffered for something we didn’t do or subjected to a gross mistreatment we didn’t deserve, have ever said “It’s just not fair?” I confess that I have thought or said it more than once in my life. When I was passed over for a promotion for which I thought I was well qualified, I didn’t say those words out loud. I’m not the type to share my hurt feelings with another.  Rather, I thought them to myself. 

      When I was in the army, I spent a night in jail for what other GI’s in the same car did to a car with two girls in it (threw raw eggs). I didn’t throw any! But there I was in undeserved confinement. How could that be happening to me? It’s so unfair.
       These obviously biased actions against us can happen as a child or an adult. It’s the feeling of being punished for something we didn’t deserve. Why was this happening to me?
        As children many of us were taught the difference between right and wrong and told always to do what’s right. With all this parental programming, we may have thought that doing the right thing would always give us a reward or at least freedom from any feelings of guilt. So when you or I were punished while doing what we believed was the right thing to do, it likely caused stress. “Wait I minute. I did what was right and now I’m being punished for it?!” This goes against any thought of fairness in life. I’ve heard it said many times “life is not fair and the sooner I realize this, the better off I’ll be.” I find it, however, almost impossible to accept. 

       Persons doing what’s right should be rewarded and wrongdoers always must be punished. 
For the past month or so, I have been wondering why Jesus apparently never said (or even thought) “It’s just not fair.” He was treated horribly and the Bible mentions He was without sin. The Apostle Paul in his second letter to the Christians in Corinth, Greece wrote: “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:21 (ESV).  Why should someone who had never done any wrong be made to bear the weight of every wrong?” 

         If we stop and consider this, I think we have to conclude if anyone had the right to scream “It just not fair!” Jesus did. Yet, he did not. For me, His most memorable words while hanging on that cross were “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”
How could He have acted that way? If we believe He actually felt pain, how could He have forgiven those who’d tortured Him? How could He have interceded for those who pounded his hands and legs to a cross leaving him there to die? You or I might have screamed obscenities or possibly taunted the mob and the Roman soldiers for their wrongful punishment of you, an innocent person.  Maybe we would have been absolutely quiet, not wanting to give those in the wrong any satisfaction for the wrong they were doing.

       The writer of the Hebrews Epistle gives us an answer to the question of how Jesus was able to respond the way He did on the cross: Hebrews 12:2 (ESV) “…for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame…” 


       Unfortunately, the answer needs a further answer. What joy could Jesus have been experiencing in looking forward to and then experiencing the cross?

 
       Can we find examples of persons sacrificing their lives or going through difficulties for the sake of others. We call such actions honorable (worthy of high respect and great esteem) or noble (having or showing fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals).  There are such people who have put aside all thoughts of personal safety for the sake of others.


       Auschwitz was the first German concentration camp to become an extermination camp. The gas chambers were in constant use. But because of the great influx of new prisoners daily, the Nazis began to use firing squads as well. One day, the commandant selected 10 men from one barracks to be executed by the firing squad. One of those selected was the father of a large family. When he was pulled from his place in line, he fell to the ground, begging the commandant to spare his life. The commandant was unresponsive until the man standing next to the fallen one, a Catholic priest named Maximilian Colby, stepped forward to offer his life in exchange for the man on his knees. Surprisingly, the commandant agreed to such an arrangement. 

     But, instead of being led away to the firing squad, Father Maximilian was thrown into a tiny damp cell where he suffered the agonizing death of starvation. Today, Maximilian Colby is honored by millions of people because he died in the place of one man. He managed to look to a higher purpose than his own self-preservation. Possibly he looked to the example of Jesus who, 0ut of obedience to the Heavenly Father and for the sake of everyone who needed salvation, willingly went up His hill of execution.


       Those who look to a high calling when hurt will act in surprisingly self-sacrificing ways. They help us begin to grasp the higher power that allowed Jesus to endure the cross on Calvary as one of the noblest acts someone can do.


       What happened to Jesus might seem “not fair,” to us but it was God’s (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) way to show how great He is, how resolute Jesus was, and how powerfully helpful the Holy Spirit is. We too can respond to unfairness just as Jesus did. We can ask God to forgive them because they really did not know what they were doing. They didn’t know or care about our innocence. Our forgiveness of them then can transform what happened into something positive.

Rich

Posted in Acceptance, Adversity, Anger, Attitude, Belief, Charity, Choices, Conflict, Crucifixion, Disappointment, Forgiveness, Good Friday, Healing, Holy Week, Jesus, Letting Go, Life, Palm Sunday, Prayer, Reconciliation, Rejection, relationships, Restoration, Spiritual, Suffering, Trials | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment