In my life, there has been one large, painful lesson to learn. A problem appears when something in life affects me in a manner that does not match my ideal. Starting at an early age, I was taught to be kind and loving to other people. And they, in turn, would be kind and loving to me. It’s called the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The assumption being that when I treat others kindly, they will treat me kindly.
What If Others are Unkind?
What are we to do when someone bullies us? What about a situation in which someone less deserving (in my opinion) is chosen over me? And I was doing everything right as my mother had countless times told me! How am I supposed to handle things and people in the real world that do not match the ideal I’ve heard so much about. And what about you? How do you handle situations when the “real” falls far short of the “ideal?” I wanted to take some time and write about this because I have found these discrepancies are both confusing and stressful.
Where Do Ideals Come From?
Where do these ideals or ideas come from? Much of mine came from my mom who was a single mother raising five children by herself. She was the only wage earner for the family. She was not given the luxury of careful reflection on her beliefs and how best to impart them to her five kids. I know it was rough on her because sometimes, she would get our names mixed up. At the time, I laughed about it, but it may just be that it revealed a mind often working in high gear to keep up with all the challenges she faced. I have to give her credit for doing the best she could to uphold the ideals while living in a pressure cooker real world. How was she able to do it?
A big help from what I saw was her faith. We had to attend church, say our prayers, confess our sins to a priest and try to live a sin-free life. I desired this above all else in my early years. I even told her I wanted to be a priest, which meant full immersion into the laws and traditions of that faith. However, seminary for me lasted only two years because I found I could not handle being single the rest of my life. In that situation, I was able to recognize and accept that I was a young man who wanted some day to marry. In that decision, I was able to keep my ideal, wanting to be close to God, while dating in hopes of finding a godly wife.
A Painful Lesson
During the course of my life since, I have faced situations in work that made me feel unappreciated. In one situation, the promotion I thought I deserved was instead given to someone who seemed more interested in corporate politics than doing the work. In the end, I quit that job and moved to the West Coast where I lived a few years earning minimum wages. I finally came to believe that God actually cared for me and that many of the difficulties I experienced and would experience were tests of my faith. I had first thought of them as punishment, but was able finally to see them as tests which could actually make me become a stronger person.
Coping Methods Used by Some
Some may resort to addictions to give them a temporary high while undergoing a stressful and confusing time. I can include myself in this group at times without going into specifics. My experience and the experiences of many others I have listened to is that the high from addictions last only a short time and are always followed by feelings of guilt and shame.
Some choose to become angry and resentful because the disconnect is more than they can bear. The outlook on life in general and their life in particular can turn sour because of physical, emotional and even spiritual suffering. I have also walked this dark valley at times of my life. This approach tended to isolate me from others and was mentally exhausting.
A Way That Works For Others
Some, however have found strength in their faith. Along with them, I have learned that we can turn our troubles over to God. When we come into a situation that doesn’t fit our ideal, we can accept it as a chance for growth and development. In our acknowledgment of the challenge, some of us will say a prayer asking for divine strength to power through. These discrepancies between our ideal and our reality can actually be pathways to growth.
I recognize just knowing this truth is not going to make a difference in my life. I have to practice these surrenders every time things seem too much for me. I recently had to deal with technical support for an issue I was having with my computer. I had already had two interactions with persons who had thick accents and spoke quickly. I had to ask them continually to repeat what they said. So, the third time I had to call them, I surrendered the outcome to God saying softly to myself “God is greater than the Internet.” This time, I got a person who spoke American English, was an older person who spoke slower and was able to help me more than I even asked for. I was greatly relieved to get the issue finally solved and to have a great experience in the process. This type of blessing has happened a number of times when I encounter a situation or problem that is too much for me to handle. Technology seems to be one of those areas where the ideal of smooth handling of all my work does not match the stressfully complicated issues I run up against.
It’s An Ongoing Process
Trusting God with these discrepancies is an ongoing thing. It’s never “one and done.” I have to remember and to trust God each time a discrepancy comes along. And…they will keep coming.
For anyone who can relate to an inconsistency in their life, this alternative might be just the way through the confusion and discomfort. When the situation can’t change, you and I can better cope with it, by changing how we respond to it.
The following verses give advice from the Apostle Paul, who endured many high stress and painful circumstances. Philippians 4:6-7 (English Standard Version) “…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
